Chapter 32
Shrot Straw: Confidential Report and Response
Author’s Note:
To be completely clear, the following report is entirely fictional.
DEPARTMENT OF THE ARMY
549TH MILITARY POLICE COMPANY
FORT CLAYTON, REPUBLIC OF PANAMA
CONFIDENTIAL FIELD SURVEILLANCE REPORT
CLASSIFICATION: CONFIDENTIAL // LIMA-TANGO OVERWATCH
FROM: PFC Declan “Short Straw” [Last Name Redacted]
TO: Special Operations Command (SOC) / Monitoring Division
SUBJECT: Public Disturbance / Subject Identification – Halloween Incident (Clown / JiNgLeS)
Sir,
I am submitting this report regarding a public disturbance observed on October 31st (Halloween) at the base park track area. Due to the nature of the evening (holiday conditions), multiple civilian personnel were operating in various costumes. This initially reduced the likelihood of identifying irregular behavior as an immediate security concern.
At approximately [time unknown], I observed an individual dressed in a full clown suit, later self-identified as “JiNgLeS,” generating significant attention and operational disruption due to the following factors:
Acoustic Anomaly: Multiple bell attachments producing continuous, high-volume noise with every movement.
Velocity Indicators: Rapid, uncontrolled movement along the asphalt track area.
Ground Impacts: Repeated, high-velocity ground-impact events (falls into the grass turf).
Civilian Disruption: Active civilian disruption, including loud verbal warnings and panic from nearby bystanders.
The subject appeared to be physically attached via leash to a canine unit, which was operating at a high speed entirely inconsistent with the subject’s level of manual control. I approached the subject after observing multiple high-velocity falls and initiated standard contact for identification purposes.
Upon verbal engagement, the subject looked directly at me through facial cosmetics and stated: “Short Straw? Is that you?”
At this time, I had not successfully identified the subject. The subject continued to press contact, repeatedly stating: “Short Straw, it’s me. Short Straw, it’s me.” The subject then attempted to verify her identity using a rapid sequence of unverified aliases, including:
“Bubble”
“Monkey Spine”
“Blown Tire Girl”
It was at this exact point in the sequence that I recognized the subject as the same civilian female previously associated with multiple unusual perimeter incidents on base. Recognition was immediate upon her completion of the alias sequence. The subject confirmed mutual recognition through physical posture and what I assessed as enthusiastic, jangling agreement.
At this moment, I made the tactical decision to disengage from the immediate perimeter in order to report confirmed contact to superior command personnel. I departed the scene immediately to notify others.
OPERATIONAL NOTE: I did not complete the physical military ID check. This was an oversight. The subject remained on site, mobile, and in active possession of bells.
Additional Field Observations:
Subject appeared highly coordinated in rapidly recovering from repeated high-impact falls.
Civilian morale in the park area appeared elevated (widespread laughter observed).
The canine unit remained entirely non-compliant with any known concept of “slow down.”
IMPORTANT: This report was drafted immediately following the incident; however, it was not transmitted at that time. I believed the secure fax machine had successfully completed the transmission. Upon later inspection of the logs today, I discovered the transmission had failed. This report is therefore delayed. I accept full responsibility for not confirming the successful transmission signal.
Recommendations for Future Operations:
1. Clarify whether civilian subjects self-identifying through a sequence of multiple fictional aliases constitutes a valid form of military ID.
2. Provide command guidance on how to complete standard ID checks when a subject is in continuous motion and ringing loudly.
3. Confirm whether clowns require standard identification clearance under current base drawdown regulations.
Respectfully submitted,
PFC Declan “Short Straw”
SPECIAL OPERATIONS COMMAND (SOC)
MONITORING DIVISION — HEADQUARTERS USARSO
FORT CLAYTON, REPUBLIC OF PANAMA
COMMAND REVIEW & DISCIPLINARY RESPONSE
CLASSIFICATION: CONFIDENTIAL // REVERTED DISPOSITION
FROM: [Command Authority Redacted]
TO: PFC Declan “Short Straw”, 549th MP Co.
SUBJECT: RE: Clown / JiNgLeS Incident Log
PFC Short Straw,
Your delayed field report has been reviewed by command staff. We will address the key operational failures and procedural issues point-by-point:
1. Identification Procedure: A civilian subject stating “Short Straw, it’s me” is not an approved, regulated form of military identification under USARSO base protocols.
2. Unverified Aliases: The terms “Bubble,” “Monkey Spine,” and “Blown Tire Girl” are not recognized within any active military, civilian, or counter-intelligence database. The fact that this specific list successfully identified the subject to you in the field is… deeply concerning to this office.
3. Failure to Complete ID Check: You were in the active process of requesting identification from a Person of Interest. You then state that upon recognizing the subject, you immediately ran away from the scene to inform others. You will explain, in your very next shift report, why immediate recognition resulted in the total abandonment of your assigned security task.
4. Clown Status: Clowns are not exempt from standard identification requirements on this base. Repeat: Clowns require ID.
5. Fax Procedures: This is the second consecutive report in which you “believed the fax had been successfully sent.” You will remain at the machine and physically verify the transmission confirmation receipt before leaving the station moving forward.
6. Operational Composure: The physical presence of festive bells, a fast-moving canine, and repeated ground impacts does not remove your professional responsibility to complete standard military police procedures.
7. Additional Security Note: Your description of the subject as “in possession of bells” has been noted by analysts and will strictly not be used in future operational briefings.
Final Assessment:
You successfully located and identified the primary target. You then completely failed to execute the most basic follow-up action. To conclude the breakdown, you failed to send the secure paperwork documenting this contact. Correct these severe operational issues immediately moving forward.
And for the record—if the individual is still present on the track, and still actively ringing, you will remain on site.
[Signature Redacted]
Command Authority